Our Slime-Eating Presidential Dynasty

A pair of scientists has named three species of slime-mold sucking beetles after Dick, George, and Donny.

Now, to explore the world of ill-thought scientific metaphors, I'd like to introduce you to the family tree of our official bottom-feeding family tree.

THE AGATHIDIUM LINE

• "They are shiny and hairless. The head is partially to completely obscured when viewed from above"
• "46 Species are widely distributed across forested habitats of North America. This genus lives beneath dead bark where it feeds on slime molds."
  
• "The males of certain species have very remarkable horns on their left mandibles. They are also highly contractile and are able to roll themselves up into a virtual sphere."
• "The horn is unique in that it is dramatically asymmetrical unlike most male ornaments in insects"
  
• "Males use a head thrusting behavior to dislodge rival males from the substrate. Horned males appear better able to dislodge opponents. Head thrusting is also used less vigorously on females before and after mating."
• Agathidium line has close genetic relations with the dark subfamily LEIODIDAE, of whom it has been said: "Members of the Leiodinae feed on fungi, many on subterranean fungi, and are therefore often of cryptic habits."
  

Yes, oh, Kind Readers, The AntiCentenarian has learned that the Administration has been recast in the seedy streets of beetledom, where they cavort with a tribe of "cryptics," trapped in their limited world view, acting out homoerotic fantasies with their over-large horns, and yet suffering from the sad state of insufficiency with the females.

Aptly named, Friends of Science, aptly named.