Ancient Rituals

Thanks to our friends at the Onion, we uncover one of the darker secret rituals that takes place upon the announcement of a vacancy in the Supreme Court:

The eight remaining justices of the Supreme Court met in chambers Monday to feast on the living flesh of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, enacting an ancient tradition that began when the first chief justice of the Supreme Court retired and was summarily consumed in 1795.

Although the most important cannibalistic ceremony in American jurisprudence is closed to outsiders, some details of the ritual are inscribed within the High Court Scrolls. The scrolls, written in human blood and stored in the Justice Library Reading Room, have been studied by only a handful of legal scholars.

"Chief Justice William H. Rehnquist almost certainly consumed the greater part of O'Connor's brain and heart prior to the ritual feeding, in a rite believed to grant him the knowledge, wisdom, and courage of the devoured," said American University law professor Donald Hewett. "Any portions of O'Connor's brain and heart that Rehnquist refused would have been consumed by the remaining justices within minutes, as they chanted passages from her seminal opinions."

Hewett said the first woman appointed to the Supreme Court was gutted, strung up, and "drained into stone goblets from which her blood was sipped like wine."

Look, Noble Centoniacs: We must not allow these asinine ancient rituals to needlessly continue! This is why the AntiCentenarian has declared that the Supreme Court Justices must switch from their cannibalistic ways to a safer, friendlier, healthier ritual. The answer? Hufu, of course.

Sign the Petition HERE!

[Long-Eared Ronin has informed me, all too late, that he has refused to be associated with Hufu at all. He is now, and will always be, a purist for the real thing. With sadness, GS announces that, indeed, only 2/3 of The AntiCentenarian's contributors sponsor the petition.]